NOT OKAY! Why would ANYONE get a Twinkie tattoo??!

This holiday season Dad had a box of Twinkies under the Christmas Tree. A box of Twinkies was up for auction at the Child’s Play Charity Dinner. The blasted little yellow torpedoes of chemicals and lard were everywhere. Why? Well…as I am sure you know by now Hostess went the way of well…the dinosaur. I am sure someone will go all Jurassic Park and resurrect the things thus dooming man kind, and while I doubt it will be long before this happens, I have a better option. A gluten-free option even!

Stop making that face. Just trust me.

Twinkies show up all over the place, toys, tattoos, deep fried at the fair, loaded into potato cannons…well that last one might just have been me.

Do you know how many movies the Twinkie has shown up in? And I am not just talking the YouTube homages to them. Zombieland is the first one people mention, and I will be honest the last time I ate a Twinkie in more than a decade was after the movie came out and I found myself craving one. One bite? Craving done.

Thing is for as much as everyone mourned the loss of the Twinkie (completely ignoring the little chocolate cakes that were filled with cream, always stale and topped with an icing that was like chocolate flavored playdough. They were a staple of my roadtrips!)  No one really eats the things. Why? Because they are awful.

That doesn’t keep the little cream filled death bomb out of popular media. The yellow cakey monster shows up in Die Hard, Family Guy, Ghost Rider, and all sorts of other places. But do you remember the Ghostbuster twinkie? Tell them about the Twinkie…

It is not the idea that is awful, a moist yellow cake with a fluffy cream? Not a bad idea. In fact add some strawberries and you have a real dessert. Oh…wait and a doll with her own 80s cartoon who smelled like plastic and synthetic berries (a lot like Bath and Body Works). The idea is a great one, and from what my grandparents told me the Twinkie used to be a wonderful thing, and not because of its mythological powers involving surviving apocalypse. They used to actually taste good, taste real.

Now, you can make these into tube shaped cream filled little cakes, but that does take a lot of work. I prefer to make it like a normal cake and use whipped cream because then I do have the option to add berries and make it look prettier and less like something you would see at the Erotic Bakery in Seattle.

 ALMOND & CREAM CAKE

• 1.5 cups Almond meal (also known as almond flour)
• 1/2 cup gluten free flour (I usually find a gluten free baking flour which is usually mostly rice flour based)
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1 cup softened Earth Balance (This is a butter substitute for a dairy free option)
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 4 eggs
• 1/2 cup almond milk (or soy, or regular milk)
• 1 tsp vanilla
• Whipped cream, or a non dairy option

1. Preheat oven to 350
2. Cream together Earth Balance and sugar until there are no chunks left.
3. Add in eggs, one at a time….blend!
4. Add milk and vanilla and mix and blend! (seeing a trend yet?)
5. Combine flours, salt and baking powder in a different bowl. (make sure it is one that is easy to pour from.)
6. Add the dry stuff into the wet bowl and blend…well okay, mix technically. Make it smooth and creamy.
7. Now, here is where you have more options, you can make them into cupcakes and fill them with whipped topping after they cool, or put them into a cake pan.
8. Bake for 20-30 minutes or  until a toothpick comes out clean.
9. If you made the cupcakes core out the center and add in the whipped topping then place a strawberry to top off the hole. Otherwise, serve on a plate with some whipped topping with or without berries.

Time: 40 min including bake time.

Difficulty: Medium if you make it in tube form, but east if you just make it like a cake.

Destructor rating: Moderate, it can get messy in the tube form, or if you add the berries and cream can add to spill factors.